A Season in Hell
by sf
Summary: A Saiyuki / Hellsing crossover. No plot, no sense, just plenty of bad puns. Temperamental, chain-smoking, gun-toting blonds. (WIP; Background knowledge advised.)
1. What the Hell?

****

A Season in Hell  
A Saiyuki/Hellsing crossover.   
Begun : January 7, 2003

Rating : PG (Some swearing.)

Foreword :  
This fic was written primarily for kit, who, despite pretending to be otherwise, is a wonderful person. Really. Honto. Zettai ni. 

It involves two series -- the one I'm absolutely, madly obsessed with (Saiyuki), and the other which I'm just obsessed with (Hellsing). It has been said that a whole story can spring out of a single image, and this one came from a desire to put my two favorite chain-smoking, temperamental, gun-toting blonds (ie : Sanzo-sama and Integra-sama), into the same room. And watch the fireworks.

Since I'm a Saiyuki writer, since this is a humor fic and since I'm not exercising good author-ship, I'm assuming basic knowledge of the Saiyuki characters in the readers. I've done my best to help those who are not familiar with Hellsing along with some descriptors, but in the event that you feel the need for additional information, please refer to   
http://hellsing.nu/

For Saiyuki information, I recommend Bhex's write-up :  
http://daiquiribird.philsites.net/saiyuki/about.php 

Again, as I'm being a bad author, I'm not going to bother about explanations as to how the two worlds of Saiyuki and Hellsing meet. One could resort to blackholes, time warps and other similarly improbable and convenient excuses, but that would simply be cheesy. So, without explanation, without premise, and without much sanity what-so-ever, I proudly present to you : A Season in Hell -- where Saiyuki and Hellsing collide.

This fic is dedicated, bad 'Hell' puns and all, to kit.

sf -- January 7, 2003

This chapter was brought to you by chocolate, cheese, and (Hazelnut) coffee. Please excuse the extremely atypical writing style.

****

A Season In Hell  
Prologue -- _What the Hell?_

"Sanzo? We seem to be coming to a city," Hakkai commented.

"Even a moron -- no, even the morons in the back seat -- can tell that," Sanzo growled. 

__

You must excuse Sanzo-sama's temper. At the time of writing, the sky is entirely invisible, being caught behind a massive, unbroken layer of clouds. Lightning is flashing, the wind is howling, and, you guessed it -- it's pouring like there's no tomorrow. In fact, from the fanfic author's limited experience, it's a more dramatic version of London weather. Any clues as to where we're headed yet?

"The unusual thing is that there simply isn't supposed to be a city here," Hakkai replied, unfazed. "It's not on the map."

"Hakkai... if it's one thing that we found out on this damn roadtrip to Hell [1], it's that a damn _lot_ of things don't appear on the maps."

__

[1] Or possibly 'roadtrip **from** Hell'. The distinction is unclear.

"Perhaps we should make a note of this. We can market new maps on the way back and generate some sort of income. Gojyo and I could do with a new apartment."

Sanzo snorted and rolled his eyes.

"Or we could simply steal your credit card."

That earned him a chilly 'I'm-Really-Not-Amused' glare. Sanzo didn't even need to turn his head -- the glare radiated out of the corners of his eyes and struck Hakkai with all the accuracy of a homing missile.

And crashed into the unbreakable barrier that was Hakkai's eternal smile.

"So... what shall we do?" Hakkai replied.

"We get out of the rain as fast as Jeep can move, of course," Sanzo snarled.

__

At this point in time, we must not forget to pay tribute to the other half of the Sanzo-ikkou, currently mired in the backseat.

No, 'mired' was not a typographical error.

"BAIL, you stupid monkey! BAIL!" a certain half-youkai was yelling.

"What's bail?" a certain full-fledged youkai returned.

"Take that bucket and start pouring the water out of the jeep, numbskull! Or would you prefer to take a bath here and now?!"

Goku stared at the bucket in his hands. Water trickled down his hair, his clothes, his hands -- trickled down everything, pooling in puddles on the floor of the Jeep. Except that they weren't puddles any more; they were ponds. His shoes were entirely submerged, and, at the rate the water was rising, his knees would be underwater in a handful of seconds.

So, perhaps this 'bailing' thing would be a good idea....

__

Somewhere in the front seat.

"Anou... Sanzo, I believe the rain is getting too heavy. We might have to walk."

"Walk in ..._that_?" Sanzo indicated the situation outside the jeep.

Simply put, there were no _puddles_. 

"I was under the impression that the best way to get through a flood was to stay in your vehicle and drive carefully," he continued.

"Except that Jeep is not a convertible. And I can't feel the pedals any more."

Sanzo sighed. This sort of weather was truly despicable, and terribly unearthly. Granted, they were in the low lands, and it had been raining for the past ten days, but _flooding_? 

"There used to be a river around here, somewhere," Hakkai told him. "I think it broke its banks."

"Alright, alright, we walk," Sanzo muttered, as Jeep's engine spluttered and died. The Dragon-cum-Jeep squeaked pitifully and let out a cloud of steam. The Sanzo-ikkou climbed out with much splashing. The water was up to their calves, and that was in the shallows.

"It's not that far to the city. Maybe two kilometers." Hakkai squinted to see through the deluge.

"Yeah, if we sprint, we'll get there before we drown," Gojyo seconded. "Except that mister pretty monk doesn't want to get his feet wet, right?"

It would have been better if the priest had glared. But Sanzo simply smiled.

Gojyo backed up two paces and ducked behind Hakkai. It was _that_ kind of smile. [2]

__

[2] I would insert analogies about grins on snakes or tigers, but it's overdone. But just so that you know, it had enough fang in it to make a vampire proud.

"My gun works perfectly fine in this weather, I assure you," Sanzo commented.

"Which gun?" Gojyo muttered. 

Sanzo raised an eyebrow.

"I meant... Understood," Gojyo said out loud, making sure that Hakkai was directly between him [3] and the volatile priest.

__

[3] No, not in that_ way. What were you thinking?_

"Ne, shall we make a move?" Goku pestered. "I want food!"

***

"At least the rain keeps them indoors and out of trouble."

Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing, quite definitely female despite the long pants, the cigar, and the title, leaned back and sighed contentedly. For the once in her tenure as the leader of the Hellsing Institute, her desk was free of paperwork.

Space warped, somewhere to the left of the room. The grin appeared first, a reverse-Cheshire cat, followed by the nose, then the shades. The rest of Alucard appeared shortly thereafter -- wide-brimmed red hat, flappy red coat, and unflappable ego.

The room instantly felt a lot less peaceful.

"Out of trouble, you say? Don't they commit most trouble when they're indoors?" Alucard commented, examining his handgun -- the 13mm 454 Casull [4]. His attitude radiated boredom.

__

[4] For those less versed in handgun lore, it's a big_ pistol. Phallic symbols, anyone?_

Integra didn't bother to grace that comment with a reply, opting to take another deep drag on the cigar. 

"On the otherhand, I hear that there's an interesting bunch heading in," Alucard continued. "One human. The other three..." he smiled. There was enough fang in it to make a vampire proud. And indeed, Alucard, who widely regarded himself as the only true vampire, was extremely proud of those fangs.

"Really?" Integra replied.

"And they have an interesting pet with them. It seems to be a dragon that can transform into a jeep," Alucard mused. "Never seen the like before."

"How far away are they?"

"Oh, just about two kilometers out. They're on foot."

"Do you judge them to be of any threat?"

Alucard returned the handgun to his coat. "What, the great Lady Integra asking for _my_ advice?"

"Idiot," Integra muttered, adjusting her glasses. "You're the one who spotted them, so make your report clear, damn you! What kind of agent are you?"

"The one who isn't supposed to think," Alucard returned, with a sly grin.

"Reporting what your eyes saw doesn't require thinking."

"Oh very well. They could be vampires, considering that they don't feel human. One of them has red eyes. However, if they're vampires, then they're the oddest ones I've ever encountered."

Integra frowned. "Keep an eye on them. See if they're any trouble."

"Wasn't the rain was supposed to keep them indoors and out of trouble?"

"Well, _obviously_, they're out in the rain, so they're hardly indoors at the moment, right? Just _go_, Alucard, and stop being a smartass."

"As my master commands." Alucard tipped his hat and vanished in a swirl of red. The grin was the last to leave the room.

***  
To be continued  
***

__

Add that to the massive pile of unfinished fanfics... the job of a fanfic author is never ending.

sf -- January 7, 2003 ; 10:25pm.


	2. Where the Hell are we?

Again, I'm not going to bother with niceties like RL correctness and what language they're all speaking -- let alone how they manage to understand one another. Call it the magic of fanfiction. Worse, I'm not going to bother about what _time_ they're in. So go figure.

And... because this is a humor fic, characterization is bastardized (*cough* Alucard *cough*). It doesn't help that I haven't written Hellsing fics prior to this...

Dedicated to kit -- For all manga you've pimped for me, especially the Hellsing ones.

****

A Season In Hell  
Chapter 1 -- _Where the Hell are we?  
_Warning : Yaoi implications.

The Sanzo-ikkou sloshed through the outskirts of town, and because the fanfic author doesn't know what the place looks like and you aren't interested in the scenery anyway, they eventually ended up in the city center, near a hotel.

"This has to be the weirdest inn I've seen," Goku commented.

"It's not an inn," Gojyo replied. "It's a hoteru [1]."

__

[1] Clash of the languages -- a 'Hotel', if you were wondering.

At this point, a mysterious stranger popped by and popped Babel fishes [2] into their ears, correcting their speech patterns.

__

[2] Babel fish -- shamelessly stolen from Douglas Adams : A fish versed in all languages of the universe and the multiverse. Having one in your ear allows you to understand everyone, and speak their language.

"A hotel," Goku said. "Looks like a posh inn to me."

"It is," Sanzo answered, and sloshed into the lobby. 

People stared as they squelched by, leaving puddles in their wake. Sanzo paused to wring out his robe, and a tourist took a photograph, sent it home, proudly proclaiming that he had seen a waterfall.

Unfazed by the attention they were garnering, the priest stepped up to the front desk. "Four rooms."

"Single occupancy, sir?"

And because this is a humor fic, and sf finds this things funny, Gojyo and Hakkai mysteriously opted to room together to 'Save on expenses'. And consented to take a room with a double bed, so that all of them could be lodged on the same floor. 

"Your _sacrifice _is greatly appreciated," Sanzo said, but he was amused as well.

As they turned to leave, the receptionist frowned, staring at Gojyo. 

Gojyo winked back. 

"Excuse me sir..." the girl said.

"I'm free tonight," Gojyo drawled, leaning against the counter and leaving more puddles. "And I have this--"

"But we have to discuss tomorrow's route," Hakkai said mildly, drawing his companion away and _accidently_ trodding heavily on his toes. "Besides," he added in a whisper, "Your pickup lines have degenerated beyond the point of no return."

"Actually... I was..." the receptionist looked slightly embarrassed, but her expression was one of worry. "You're... a... you have red eyes..."

"It's always the eyes, isn't it?" Gojyo said in disgust. 

Two guards appeared behind the counter. "We don't allow your kind here."

"Listen, _buddy_," Gojyo said, when Hakkai pulled him back.

"Perhaps you could tell us what the problem is," he suggested quietly, but the light caught his monocle and reflected off in a very menacing sort of way.

"Look, do I have to spell everything out to you? He's a _vampire._ Which sane organization is going to let a _vampire_ in?"

There was a pause.

  
Finally, Goku tugged at Sanzo's sleeve, eliciting another flurry of water droplets. "Ne, Sanzo. What's a vampire? Is it another name for a half youkai?"

Sanzo rolled his eyes. "A mythological creature. One that's supposed to suck blood, usually from virgins."

"Now look... if I had a virgin, _blood_ would be the last thing on my mind!" Gojyo protested.

"But... it's broad daylight," Hakkai said, gesturing at the window. Heads turned, to regard pitch darkness outside, interrupted by occasional flashes of lightning.

"Alright, if not for the clouds, it would be broad daylight," Hakkai amended. "Besides, he doesn't have fangs."

"You would know," Sanzo smirked.

"Yeah. No fangs." Gojyo smiled, and indicated his perfectly normal pearly whites. Several ladies swooned from the glow of his grin. "So, let's just be going, eh?"

"I'm sorry," the receptionist said, truly embarrassed now.

"I know how you can make it up--"

"Gojyo, you have a _dinner with an important client tonight_," Hakkai said.

"What important client?" Gojyo hissed quietly.

"Me."

"Oh, alright."

***

"Lady Integra. We seem to have a vampire problem." Walter, the butler of the Hellsing household, stepped up to deposit a stack of printouts and photographs on Integra's desk.

__

While Integra takes some time out to update herself on the situation, we'll take a little bit of time to introduce Walter. He's getting on in years, sports a french style ponytail and a monocle. His official job description is that of a butler, except that he does more than serve food and paper to Integra's desk. Let's just say that his nickname of 'Shinigami', Angel of Death, is well earned.

"The usual," Integra curled her lip in disgust. "Some stupid vampire on the loose."

"Except that this one appears to be operating in London itself."

"Which just makes it easier to settle him. Has he created any ghouls as yet?"

"No. He was turned back successfully at a few places, which means that, in recent days, at least, he has not had any victims."

"And if there are no dead, there are no undead," Integra nodded. "Very well, send Alucard to deal with it."

"Me, master?" a familiar voice called, as Alucard popped into existence -- the wrong way round.

"You're standing on the ceiling," Walter pointed out.

"So I am."

"Is there a problem, Alucard?" Integra asked dangerously.

"I'm already on duty. I'm supposed to keep an eye on that lot of weirdos who just drove in. How am I supposed to keep an eye on this vampire as well?"

"You have a lot of eyes. Far too many, actually. Besides, this is a regular job, and shouldn't pose any problems for Hellsing's best vampire... correct?"

Alucard sighed. "We only have two vampires."

"One of which is your fault, and the other of which is you," Integra said. "Now hurry along. You have work to do."

"You could just as well have sent some other regular Hellsing unit," Alucard persisted.

"Shall I say... I have a bad feeling about this?" Integra said nastily.

***

"This city appears to be called 'London'," Hakkai told the group. "It's nowhere on our maps. In fact, we seem to be entirely off them. There isn't a single landmark that I can pinpoint."

Sanzo frowned. "Yet there was no other road leading out of the last town. We couldn't have taken a wrong turn in between."

"I hesistate to press on without knowing which way we're going," Hakkai said. "We need to regain our bearings."

"But we're heading west! All we need to do is to follow the sun," Goku offered.

"Not if we're too far west," Gojyo told him. "We might have overshot entirely. Considering how long we've been on the road... that would suck royally."

"Sanzo?" Hakkai said, deferring the decision to the priest.

"It looks like we're stuck here until we can find out where this 'London' place is." Sanzo scowled. "And, more importantly, how we managed to end up in such a quaint area."

"It's very odd," Goku agreed. "We've never seen any place quite like this before."

"It hasn't rained quite as much anywhere else either," Gojyo grumbled. "And it's damn cold."

"Enough whining," Sanzo sighed. "We'll discuss this tomorrow. All of you -- out."

*

When the rest had departed, Sanzo leaned back against the headboard of the bed and sighed. The rain looked like it wasn't about to abate any time soon. He was sorely tempted to wait it out, preferably with a large bottle of sake. Two things stopped him : the first, a blank look from the hotel staff when he had requested sake; the second, the fact that they were all dog tired after tramping merrily around the country side all day.

And thirdly, he had a bad feeling that the fanfic author was trying to make him doze off, just so that bad things could happen when he did.

Eventually, at the fanfic author's incessant prodding, he decided to chance sleep, nightmares, and the evil whims of fanfic authors.

Midnight came and went without a whisper.

It was closer to two in the morning that a great winged shape [1] alighted upon the window sill. The catch, on the inside of the window, lifted. Ever so quietly, the window opened.

With a barely audible swish of motion, the apparition slipped into the room, its shape blurring to become a humanoid one. Red eyes gleamed in the darkness.

And widened with surprise as a gun barrel jabbed into the side of its head.

"You're late," Sanzo said in disgust.

"What... what? You're..."

"Isn't midnight the stipulated hour? And here you had me waking early and sacrificing sleep just to accomodate your tardiness. You are _two hours late_, mister!"

"We're allowed to attack any time between midnight and six! And you're... not a female?" the vampire squeaked.

Sanzo's brow furrowed. "What?"

"You're not a female virgin [2]? But I thought... the face, the hair..."

Said face darkened. "For that... _mistake_, you can go and look for your brains in the gutter." He clicked the trigger.

With a scream and a crash, the one time undead fell to the floor. To save on the clean up, the corpse disintegrated into fine white powder that disintegrated into even more powder, until nothing was left.

__

[1] Yes, so the average vampire in Hellsing is not a shape-shifter. I'm more interested in dramatic impact than actual continuity at this point.

[2] I am not_ commenting on the virgin part._

Sanzo hefted a sigh. "Well, now that that's settled--"

"Situation B : Target in contact with civilians," a voice boomed out of nowhere.

Sanzo spun, as Alucard materialized in the room. "What, _another one_?" the priest exclaimed in disgust.

Alucard, for his part, was busy trying to figure out where his target was. Vampirific eyesight scanned the room, but there was no sign of his quarry. He glanced at the priest. "Did a vampire happen to pass by these parts?"

"Passed by these parts, and passed out in parts," Sanzo said. "Now kindly get out of my room before I shoot you as well."

Alucard scratched his head in honest frustration. "You're not a normal human, are you?"

"I'm glad you noticed."

"You're dressed funny."

There was a long pause. Sanzo glanced at his robes, then glanced at Alucard's brilliant red overcoat. "Speak for yourself."

"No, this is just wrong," Alucard muttered. "It was supposed to be a simple mission -- search and destroy a stupid target, save a damsel in distress, possibly get another pretty female vampire ..." 

Sanzo's right cheek was developing its trademark tic. "I .. am... _not_ ... a damsel, damn you!"

"You're not?" The second surprise of the evening. "But... the dress..."

"I swear... all of you are morons!" Sanzo fumed. "Get out of here! NOW!"

"What a letdown," Alucard grumbled, highly annoyed by the whole issue. "And it was such a nice night too." With a swirl of red and black, he vanished from the room.

***

__

Somewhere, in another building...

"A _bad feeling_, Lady Integra?" Alucard practically snarled. "The victim took out the attacker _and_ turned out to be a male as well!"

"A male?" Integra stared closely at the photograph again. "I could have sworn... it must be the strange garments."

"You know, hair length aside, he looks a lot like you," Alucard noted. "He has the same attitude problem."

"Shut up, Alucard," Integra said gravely.

***  
TBC  
***


	3. Who the Hell are you?

Dedicated to kit, my sponser for various dinners ^^.

When shortening the title of the fic, I realized that it came up to ASIH. This could be re-written as A S/H -- a Saiyuki / Hellsing crossover. And FF.net assigned this fic the number 1166627. Tis extraordinarily cool...

I wound the 'on crack' factor down a few notches on this fic. The original featured rabid, slathering fangirls, amongst other things. 

****

A Season In Hell  
Chapter 2 -- _Who the Hell are you?_

Somewhere, on the outskirts of the city...

"Hey! What's that?"

"What are they?"

"They don't look human!"

"Actually, they might have been human... once..."

"I don't know! Get out of their way!"

The townspeople cowered in fright as the gray legions swept through the streets, crying out in fell voices.

__

"Fresh... meat..."

***

"Sanzo? Sanzo, I think something's coming!"

Sanzo glanced at the golden eyed youth. Years of working with Goku had impressed upon him that ignoring the kid's warnings was a bad, bad idea.

The two had been standing the middle of a busy street. As soon as the first of the distant cries had been heard, the street had miraculously emptied itself. The people had drained out of it like water through a sieve, except that even water wasn't usually in such a hurry to leave.

A cold wind gusted down.

"Youkai?" Sanzo queried, pausing to stub out his cigarette and draw his Smith and Wesson.

"I don't know.. I can't sense any _youryoku_. It's different... more scary, somehow. More... dead."

At those words, the apparitions flooded around the corner. 

They might have been humans. Once. Now, their clothes were gray rags, their original shape long lost. They moved, but were no longer alive. A fell cold radiated from them. With hungry wails, they descended upon the duo in the middle of the street.

"Sanzo! Sanzo what are they?" Goku's alarmed cry cut above the bone-chilling keening of the creatures. Extending a thought, he summoned Nyoibou.

"I don't think they can be killed by common means," Sanzo replied softly, but he thumbed the safety off his revolver anyway.

The creatures had surrounded them entirely now. Without warning, they leapt forward. Their cries became words.

"Buy! Buy! Buy!"

"You need a new health policy!"

"Three thousand pounds for a month's full automobile coverage!"

"Ch'," Sanzo growled. "Insurance salesmen."

"They're evil!" Goku cried, as the apparitions crowded around, pleading and cajoling. He swiped at them with Nyoibou, driving back a few, but more emerged from the crowd.

"Take a pamphlet!" they beseeched him, thrusting pieces of paper in his face.

"Don't touch those!" Sanzo snapped. "Or the rest will spam you to death!" Raising the gun, he fired an exorcised bullet through one's head. With a blood curdling scream, it disintegrated. The rest pulled back, circling cautiously.

"Begone, foul creatures," Sanzo ordered. "You're already dead. You're not going to sell any more of your foul policies and cheat innocents."

The crowd murmured in dismay.

Then the shuffle of footsteps were heard. The spectres glanced behind, and several pulled away to provide passage. One of them -- walking, not floating, his gray suit still respectable -- was dragging himself towards them. "I am still alive," he gasped.

"Never seen anyone with a complexion that gray," Goku muttered.

"Please... just one... just one..." he beseeched Goku, extending bony hands.

"I don't have any money," Goku said nervously, glancing at Sanzo. 

"Damn things," Sanzo muttered. Pushing Goku aside, he faced the newcomer. "Do you offer travel insurance?" he demanded.

There were gasps of shock from the spectator spectres.

"I have just the thing--"

"I want a detailed run-down of your coverage of injuries."

The salesman extended a piece of paper. Sanzo moved to read it, but did not touch it.

"We cover all hospitalization fees," the salesman said hopefully.

"Alright. I'll take the full policy," Sanzo replied. 

"Sanzo! No!" Goku yelled. "They'll devour you!" Around them, there was a buzz of excitement from misty shapes. 

Sanzo shot him a glare, and pulled out a list. "Incidently, this was my track record, if you were interested." He offered it to the salesman.

The murmurs around them still abruptly. Suspicious, the salesman glanced up at Sanzo, then took the paper.

****

Day 5 - Encounter with spider demon. Severe beating.  
**Day 8** - Fell off cliff. Nearly drowned.  
**Day 10** - Fell off cliff again. Nearly drowned.  
**Day 15 **- Run in with old friend. Stabbed through the gut. Nearly died.  
**Day 16** - Run out with same friend. Nearly got strangled. Reopened wounds. Nearly died.

The salesman's hands began to shake.

****

Day 20 - Multiple centipede bites.   
**Day 20 (later)** - Domestic quarrel with Hakkai. Nearly got strangled. Had to fake death.  
**Day 22** - Youkai attack. Claw wounds.  
**Day 24 **- Claws wounds infected. Had to operate.  
**Day 30 **- Fell into scorpion demon's trap. Severe beating. Impaled and poisoned. Fight with Son Goku. Multiple ribs fractured.  
**Day 33** - Coma for 3 days. Internal bleeding. 

"Perhaps... just perhaps... you might have made a bad deal," Sanzo said softly. "The rest are documented here..." he reached for a second piece of paper. "That's only the official list. There's still the fanfic injury count..." he produced a whole binder from his spandex space. "Not to mention the second series of the anime..."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" the salesman screamed, clutching his head. "No!!!" Flinging the paper down as if it burned his fingers, he turned and bolted down the street. The rest of the ghosts followed him, wimpering.

When the street was silent once more, Sanzo took a deep breath. "That was too damn close," he muttered.

"Sanzo?" Goku called. "I think Hakkai and Gojyo might have run into trouble."

***

__

Somewhere in Hellsing mansion.

"Lady Integra, we have a slight problem."

"The Insurance salesmen?"

"No... they appear to be leaving very quickly. Fleeing something, in fact. I will investigate further, but something just as strange occured. It seems that the vampire that was eliminated yesterday _did_ raise a ghoul army, which, for reasons unknown, did not die with his passing. They invaded the city center..."

"_How many_?" Integra demanded, mentally calculating the damage.

"Thirty, maybe forty."

"Damnit!" her fist crashed into the tabletop. "Get Division One on it right away. Impress on them again the importance of secrecy, _especially_ since this is London itself. Hopefully, the presence of the Insurance salemen will ensure that most are indoors at the moment..."

"My lady, there is no need for that."

"What?"

"The ghoul army was eliminated."

Integra frowned. "Whom by? Alucard would have informed me if he had a hand -- or several -- in the matter..."

"There were two civilians..."

"Alright, Walter. Start from the beginning."

***

__

Elsewhere.

__

Alucard, you were supposed to be keeping an eye on them!

I am, came the reply. _The ghouls attacked without warning, and before I could intervene, both of them just took out the whole lot. It's terribly bad for me, having all my targets stolen..._

Detain them. I'll be flying down in person. And where are the other two?

On their way. Ah, they're here, actually...

"Hello pretty," Alucard winked at Sanzo, as he and Goku as the pair ran up.

"Damn you too," Sanzo snarled.

"Sanzo! Were you attacked too?" Hakkai asked.

"You were attacked?" Sanzo demanded.

"By a group of walking zombies," Gojyo said, sauntering over. "They're so pathetically slow and clumsy that I took out half with one swipe and Hakkai blasted the rest into oblivion."

"Then you didn't see these really creepy creatures that tried to sell you stuff?" Goku asked. 

"We saw them running away really quickly," Hakkai smiled. "I take it that Sanzo showed them his medical records?"

"We leave," Sanzo said, ignoring the question.

"Ahem," Alucard said from behind them.

Sanzo turned, his eyes narrowed. "What?"

"There's someone who would like to see you. She'll be here in a moment."

"I don't have time to meet with people," Sanzo said, shaking his head.

"Well, _I'll_ stay, especially if it's a she," Gojyo drawled.

Hakkai flung a _companionable_ arm around Gojyo's shoulders. "Then I'll stay with you," he said, the smile not flickering a whit.

"Enough of that," Sanzo snapped. "We're leaving."

"I don't think so," Alucard said lazily. "Phototonic flush control!"

"Phototonic?" Goku asked. "Flush?"

"Damn, I _always_ get these stupid names mixed up!" Alucard swore. "Whatever! Nice-swirly-effects-that-plunge-you-into-an-alternate-dimension!" And at his back, he made frantic hand signals at the Light and Magic crew to switch to the red lights.

Abruptly, the entire world turned red. The world beyond the road that they were standing on disappeared into the gloom of Unlighted Fanficdom.

__

And for the sake of the fic, let us just say that the Sanzo-ikkou are effectively trapped, because wandering off into the Unlighted Regions is generally a Bad Thing. As to exactly why_ it's a bad thing, I'll just say 'Tentacles', and leave the rest to your vivid imaginations. _

"I'm not impressed," Sanzo said, folding his arms across his chest. "But since we seem to be stuck here, you might as well start by telling me who the hell you are and why the hell you're stalking me."

***  
TBC, because sf has to beat off the voices that are screaming Alucard x Sanzo! Alucard x Sanzo!  
***


	4. What the Hell are you?

Dedicated to kit-sama. *worship worship heart heart*. Now get out of your burrow and start blogging more!

[Author's Disclaimer : I'm /really/ off my writing streak. I rarely say this, but this chapter is really not up to my usual standard.]

****

A Season In Hell  
Chapter 3 -- _What the Hell are you?_

Alucard snorted and raised an eyebrow. "_You're _the newcomers. And you're on _my_ turf."

"Excuse me," Hakkai said, intervening as was his wont. "We're just a group of four travellers, passing through. We seem to be a bit lost."

"Of course you're lost," Alucard replied, gesturing. 

"He meant that we were lost, even _before_ you changed the scenery, Mister Bad Dress Sense," Gojyo snorted.

"Oh? Insult my dress sense, will you?" Alucard snapped. "Humans have died for less."

"You're a kind of youkai, aren't you?" Goku said suddenly. 

"What's a youkai?" Alucard asked.

There was a long pause. _We're *really* off our route_ ran through the Sanzo-ikkou's minds.

"A race," Sanzo said flatly. "Stronger than humans, better vision, better night vision..."

"Oh. You could call me a youkai, then," Alucard said lightly.

"You don't _know_?" Goku asked. "But then again, you don't smell like a normal youkai..."

"Are you suggesting that I smell?"

"Of blood, actually," Goku cocked his head. "You smell very strongly of human blood."

"Of course I smell of blood! I'm a vampire!" 

"You're a _vampire_?" Gojyo said. "Don't shit us, asshole! Vampires aren't real."

There was another perplexed silence.

"You _really_ aren't from these parts, are you?" Alucard said finally. "Vampires have been around for eons. Of course, their presence is often overlooked... to the extent that mortals--" a sneer of contempt here, "--often relegate our presence to mere myth. But considering that you just took out a whole contingent of ghouls without raising an eyebrow, and blondie over there just shot and _killed_ a vampire..."

"Anything surprising about that?" Sanzo asked.

"Mere bullets don't kill vampires. Even the pathetic ones," Alucard snarled.

"Would you like to try mine, vampire?" Sanzo said. "Get us out of here."

Alucard appeared amused. "Actually--"

He paused. There was a voice gibbering in the back of his head. He would have put it down to the chorus of internal voices that normally shared the room in his head, except that _they_ didn't normally call him a 'cabbage-assed-bastard'.

"I'll be right along," he told Integra irritably, and made the appropriate hand gestures to the light and magic crew. [1]

[1] -- Which went something along the lines of _Change back! Change back! No, not _blue_, you idiots! Not yellow either! Normal! You TWITS! Wait till I get my fangs on you!_

The red world of Alucard's conjuring faded away to reveal the real world. The light and magic crew chorused a cheerful "Welcome back!"

It was exactly the same as when they had left, saving the arrival of one newcomer. 

(At this juncture, sf's mind wandered off to write various Sanzo + Integra dumb fics, using the completely-OOC Sanzo template (My god, I wuv you!) and the completely-OOC Integra template (Love at first sight!) along the lines of No Angels and No Devils. But these were so bad that they never made it into print.)

She was tall. She was taller than _Gojyo_, and that's saying a bit. Goku had to crane his neck to see her face. She _wasn't_ in a skin tight shirt and an impossibly short skirt. Worse, she wore _pants._

Flicking strands of long blond hair back, Integra Hellsing scowled irritably at them. "That's _them_? This measly bunch took out a whole ghoul army on their own?"

"Yup, that's them," Alucard said, playing the irreverent soldier to the hilt. "Kinda short, but blondie looks like you." He winked.

Both Integra and Sanzo shot him death glares. 

"Hey," Gojyo piped up, "I don't think we caught your name."

Integra stared at them for a moment longer. "A ghoul army _and_ the Insurance salesmen," she said, her tone contemplative. "Are you certain you aren't vampires?"

"We're youkai," Hakkai said. 

"Blondie's human," Alucard pointed out. "The rest might be some sub-species of vampire."

"We're not vampires!" Goku protested.

"Too wimpy to be vampires," Alucard noted.

"Actually, we're a bit lost," Hakkai said cheerfully. "We were wondering if you could tell us where we are..."

"You're in London," Integra said. "But now, you're heading back with me."

To a chorus of "What?" and "I'm not going anywhere with you!" and Alucard's sly comments about females dragging four males off the street and bringing them home, Integra turned and strode off towards the waiting helicopter.

"Do we follow her?" Goku asked Sanzo. The priest shrugged, noncommital.

"Well..." Hakkai looked at the copter. "She might be able to point us in the right direction."

"Right direction, yeah, but what the hell is that?" Gojyo said.

"It's a helicopter," Alucard commented lazily. "Bunch of country bumpkins..."

"What's a helicopter?" Goku asked.

"A flying vehicle," Hakkai told him. "Like a jeep, but it travels on air..."

"Cool!"

"And how would you know about these things?" Gojyo asked suspiciously.

Hakkai gave him a smile. "Despite its title, _Jane's Defence Weekly_ isn't quite in the same league as the magazines you read."

"I was wondering about that."

"So... Sanzo? Do we follow?" Hakkai queried.

"She might be able to explain some things," Sanzo said relunctantly, understandably cautious of stepping into helicopters owned by strange women in an sf fic. He was also paying _very_ close attention to the voices in the heavens, which were currently going :

__

"No, you can't work any Sanzo abuse into this fic!"

"I can't? Who says I can't?"

"For Heaven's sake... give the poor guy a break!"

"He doesn't need a break!"

"Just get him into the chopper, will you?!"

So with a swish of the fanfic author's keyboard, they climbed aboard the helicopter with only minimal fuss and bloodshed, and headed back towards Hellsing mansion.

But, one asks, what happened to Hakuryuu?

At this juncture, everyone's favorite white dragon, momentarily displaced during the fight with the ghoul army and then Alucard's scenary changing tactics, had just located his friend and master. Unfortunately, said friend and master was heading off in a vehicle designed to fly faster than tiny dragons with a small wing span, and Hakuryuu was sent flapping frantically in its very choppy aftermath, unable to keep up. Before long, the little dragon was quite lost.

***

"Wow."

Goku was the first one to voice his comments on Hellsing mansion. It was grandiose. It was massive. It was almost completely empty.

"Impressive," Hakkai commented.

"A waste of space," Sanzo said gravely.

"Yeah, then what about Chou'An temple and that entire floor set aside for Sanzo-sama?" Gojyo added blithely.

"I never asked for all those rooms," Sanzo countered.

"Yeah, the monks just moved out because no one could stand living next to you."

There was a click of a gun's safety being snapped off.

"Ah, Sanzo... if you fire in here, the porcelains..." Hakkai said quickly, grabbing Sanzo's gun hand.

"What _are_ you standing around for?" Integra said irritably. "This way."

"Look, I'm not going to be ordered around by a woman who doesn't even look like one!" Gojyo exclaimed, losing his temper.

There was an ominous click. 

"Ah... my lady, if you fire in here, the chandeliers..." Walter said gently to Integra. He exchanged a look of mutual understanding with Hakkai.

"All of you. My office. Now," Integra ordered. 

*

Sometime prior to their arrival, Alucard, who'd teleported rather than waste time actually travelling, was busy checking the time. Shortly after, various curses came flying out of the basement where the vampire made his lodging.

"Is something wrong, Master Alucard?" Walter inquired, looking in.

"Do you _know_ what day it is, Walter?" Alucard snarled.

"Friday, the last I checked."

"It's _Valentine's Day_."

"Why yes. I'd noticed. Did you have plans?"

Alucard glanced at the clock again, and growled irritably. "Well, I _did_ have plans to meet someone for dinner... until _they_ came along."

Slightly mystified, Walter murmured condolences.

When the butler had retreated to receive Integra and her guests, Alucard flung the bouquet of black roses down on the table and returned to reading 'The Idiot's Guide to Courting Ice-Cold Blonds', all the while mumbling about "Damn newcomers who spoil all my plans..."

*

"Isn't it polite to feed your guests _before_ you discuss business?" Gojyo asked.

"I'm starving to death," Goku groaned. "It's an hour past dinner time."

Integra, lodged in the high backed chair of her office, stared at them impassively. "We generally start with introductions." She paused, considering the four impromptu guests seated in front of her. The priest was silent, his arms crossed over his chest, amethyst eyes scanning her face intently. The one in green wore a slight smile that never wavered, his endeavours to look innocent not quite masking the attentive, calculating look in his eyes. The youngest one was fidgetting, his stomach rumbling. The red eyed one, the one with the eyes of a vampire, was leaning back and smoking. 

__

If not vampires... then what are you?

"Well, well, introductions," the green eyed one said, breaking the silence. "I'm Cho Hakkai. Son Goku, Sha Gojyo, Genjo Sanzo," he said, indicating his companions. 

"Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing," she returned. "And might I add... welcome to Hellsing mansion."

"What a mouthful," Goku muttered.

"You know, coming from you, that's not funny," Gojyo told him.

"And the reason you dragged us here...?" Sanzo said without preamble.

Integra cracked a slight smile. "As your companion pointed out, dinner comes before business." She stood, indicating the dining hall. "So... shall we?"

And Alucard, watching the proceedings out of the corner of one of his many eyes, swore viciously. "Damnit, and here I had everything planned out for a private dinner for two..."

***  
TBC  
*** 


	5. What the Hell is going on?

Dedicated to kit. For... um... raisins. And chocolate. XD.

Special thanks to for invaluable information on everyone's favorite vampire. Gaghggg, Alucard, your character is hellishly difficult to write... (Too many enigmas, too many things unexplained. Too little analysis on my part...)

****

A Season in Hell  
Chapter 4 -- What the Hell is going on?

"Where are you from?" Integra asked. They were seated at the dinner table, Integra at the head, Hakkai and Gojyo on one side, and Sanzo and Goku at the other. The question was chiefly addressed to Hakkai -- Gojyo and Goku were quibbling and Sanzo was being taciturn (largely because it's difficult to say anything when a vampire keeps popping out of the ceiling to scowl at the party). 

"Well..." Hakkai shot Sanzo a glance, which could be interpreted as a Hakkai/Sanzo moment or a _Do we tell her the truth?_ query. 

"We're on a mission from the gods!" Goku paused in the scuffle long enough to crow. 

Sanzo shot him a glare, which could be interpreted as a Sanzo/Goku moment, or just a _Stupid ape_ sentiment.

Gojyo shot Sanzo a leer, which could be interpreted as a Gojyo/Sanzo moment, or just a _Stick up your ass, bouzu?_ look. Sanzo shot him a glare of his own, which started off a chain of Significant Looks flying around the table. Eventually, Hakkai had step on Gojyo's toes when he winked at Alucard, but that was later. 

"Really." Integra's tone was dry. "A mission from God?"

"From _the _god_s_," Hakkai said. "Although, if one wants to split hairs, then it would be 'A mission from the God, -dess suffix optional'."

"Pardon me if I don't understand a word you're saying."

"Kanzeon Bosatsu," Hakkai said succinctly, and stepped on Gojyo's toes.

"Hey---" Gojyo hissed.

Integra frowned, apparently oblivious to the sexual tension -- I mean, silent communication -- around the table. (At this point, Sanzo was reaching for his phallic symbol, and Goku and Gojyo were initiating physical contact under the guise of fighting for food.) "Kanzeon? What religion is this?"

"You could call it Buddhism," Hakkai told her. "But frankly, Gods are gods, no matter what name you give to them..."

"Buddhism? Do you hail from China, then?"

"Well..." Hakkai attempted to shoot Sanzo another look, but the priest was busy bashing Goku over the head in what could loosely be interpreted as _Hands off Gojyo! He's mine!_ Hakkai shrugged, opting to continue negotiations without consultation, seeing that their leader was otherwise occupied with domestic problems. "Yes."

"And you were headed to?"

__

Since there isn't any secret about it by now... "Tenjiku."

There was another convenient break in the conversation, as Integra tried to recall where Tenjiku was. Hakkai took the opportunity to smile sweetly at Sanzo. "Yare, yare... don't you think Goku's head has taken enough damage for the day?" And he cracked open one eye in a way that read : _And if I find that you've been doing things with Gojyo behind my back..._

"Itai, yo..." Goku whined, casting a look at Sanzo, which the fangirls interpreted as _Beating me with your fan means that you love me, right Sanzo?_

And Sanzo snorted, kept the harisen out of deference for Hakkai's wishes, which sent another camp of fangirls scurrying madly away to write Hakkai/Sanzo fics. "Idiots," he proclaimed of the world at large, and more fangirls scurried away to write EveryonexSanzo fics. 

"Tenjiku's in India," a certain vampire said, when Integra drew a blank.

"Thank you," Integra replied. "In which case, gentlemen, you are completely off your route."

"What's new?" Sanzo replied bitterly. "They don't even have sake here."

"At least they have the brand of cigarettes you smoke," Gojyo moaned. "They haven't even _heard_ of Hi-lites."

"What? Where are we?" Goku asked.

"England," Integra told him.

There was a moment of silence.

Then :

"The _HELL?_" Sanzo yelled.

"England?" Goku asked quizzically. 

"Oh _dear_," Hakkai said, the smile slipping by half a micrometer.

"How did _that_ happen?" Gojyo demanded.

"Temporal time warp," Alucard replied.

"If you're going to be part of the conversation, could you get your ass off the ceiling and come down and talk to us properly?" Integra snapped.

"Yes Master. Whatever you say, Master. I live to serve." The vampire floated down to the floor, where Walter pulled up another chair for him.

"I believe that this is the result of a rare phenomena known as 'Cross-overs'. One whereby two completely unrelated worlds meet and collide, resulting in even stranger occurences. If I'm not mistaken, this tour group has been thrown impossibly out of _their _time and space into _our _time and space, causing a great deal of inconvenience for all." This last was said with a universal glare. Back in Alucard's chambers, a black rose wilted.

"We're not a tour group," Gojyo protested.

"The terminology is irrelevant," Sanzo ground out. "Now how do we get back to our own time and space?"

Alucard shrugged eloquently. "Who knows? Maybe you'll wake up tomorrow and find that it's all a nasty dream. Maybe you'll walk out of the city and back into your own town. Maybe--" he inserted a leer here, "--you're stuck here forever."

"Perish the thought," Sanzo muttered.

"Maybe we should start by doing some research on the subject..." Hakkai sighed.

"Prior to that," Integra said, "Tell me : Are you or are you not vampires?"

"No," Sanzo replied, picking at his food (understandably suspicious of food offered by a strange female host who'd just plucked them off the street and who evidently had a master-servant/slave relationship with one vampire...).

"No," Hakkai replied, and proceeded to explain the whole totally-human-but-travelling-with-youkai, half-youkai, former-human-turned-youkai and not-really-youkai-but-everyone-calls-him-youkai-anyway fiasco. By the time he'd finished, having taken time to explain what a youkai was and the whole Minus Wave situation, dinner was over.

"Interesting," Integra replied succinctly, adding up futures in her head. 

"If you were thinking of recruitment... don't," Sanzo said sharply.

"Crossovers," Integra said thoughtfully. "A rare phenomena, yet not unknown. If it has happened before, and one rather expects that it has, then it should be recounted somewhere." She paused. "And if there is a copy of that account to be found, then it is in the Hellsing library."

There was a dramatic pause. 

"So... free meals and lodging and access to the facilities, and in addition to a lucrative salary dependent on how many vampires or ghouls you eliminate," Integra ticked off the points. "Ghouls are worth less, of course. And if you were wondering, your credit card doesn't work here."

[This scene comes out better animated. But just imagine them exchanging glances now, doing the maths. Imagine Sanzo's frown getting a little deeper, Goku hopping up and down at the mere mention of 'meals', Hakkai's smile etched into his features as he weighs the interests of the group against the fact that Gojyo's been leering at Integra for quite a while now...]

"So... how much do we get for ridding the town of the threat of Insurance Salesmen?" Sanzo asked.

"That doesn't count. You weren't under Hellsing's employ then."

"Damn."

***

"Master--"

"What _is_ it, Alucard? It's late."

"Not _that_ late. As a matter of fact, I was hoping--"

"It _is_ late. And there's a ton of work to be done in the aftermath of all that's transpired..."

"--that you could spare some time to take a break." Alucard's annoyance was almost audible now. 

"I had a break. I had a long dinner. Now will you please stop being a nuisance?"

Alucard regarded the wilting black roses in his hand. "Not even a late supper?"

"_No_, Alucard."

"Do you know what day it is?"

"Friday."

"And?"

"And soon to be Saturday."

"Well, what date is it?"

"Go look at the calender yourself. The fourteenth. Or the fifteenth. Or thereabouts."

"And don't you know the significance of the fourteenth of February?" Alucard shrieked.

Integra blinked at him. "No. Should I?"

***

Somewhere in a dustbin outside Hellsing mansion, a bouquet of black roses lay, discarded.

***

Meanwhile, Hakkai and Gojyo were having a much better Valentine's Day, even if Hakkai had to take time out to... _admonish_... Gojyo for his aberration over dinner...

***

And Sanzo was taking extra precautions against any Mary Sues that might flourish during this time of the year. Unfortunately, there were no defences that a mere mortal (read : fanfic character) could summon against these vile creatures, and he was dragged kicking and screaming into the void. (Temporarily. He'll be back soon, and the world will be short a few Mary Sues.) 

***

Goku was dating a pork bun. Make that several pork buns. A whole ton of pork buns. Courtesy of Mary Sue, in an attempt to gain his attention. The ploy was a disasterous failure. 

***

It was only much later that the significance of the date hit Integra. Frowning, she considered the situation. After several brandies [1], she finally figured out what the vampire had been trying to do.

After several more brandies and much thought, she decided that some form of apology was in order, and wandered off towards the basement where the vampire made his home.

[1] -- This chapter was unofficially betaed, and one of the betas inquired as to why Integra was drinking like a fish. Since this is an oncrack!fic, explanations are optional. However, readers might be interested to know that one fanfic author mysteriously deposited a large bottle of brandy ("Plot Device", vintage 2003) at Integra's elbow, and kept refilling her glass. When one is lost in deep thought, one usually fails to keep track of how much liquid one has consumed, especially if the glass stays mysteriously full all the time. 

*

In the meantime, one other creature was having a very unhappy Valentine's Day.

Hakuryuu had, after much trial and error, found his way to the Hellsing mansion. There, he had snuck in through an air vent in the roof, only to find himself lost in a series of tunnels that brought him through various interesting rooms. (To whit : Dungeons, torture chambers, and the like.) 

Finally, he chanced upon what seemed like a bedroom, although the bed was shaped rather oddly -- like the kind of bed that humans slept in when they died. But he was not bothered by the bed. He was bothered by the fact that the room was largely Hakkai-less, and he was totally lost. 

Distressed, he winged his way towards the door, which was large, heavy, metallic, and very firmly shut. Flapping at the door, tugging at the handle and squeaking pitifully failed to elicit any response, the dragon sighed and flopped down on the table, defeated.

Then the door opened.

One very drunk vampire sloshed into the room, a bottle still in hand. [2]

[2] Can vampires get drunk? What on? Alcoholic blood?

"Ho..." he peered bleerily at the dragon. "What do we have here?"

"Kyuu!" Hakuryuu squeaked, and made a beeline for the door. Which was slammed in his face before he could exit the room.

"A bat?" Alucard mused. "A white bat?"

"Kyuu!" Hakuryuu snapped, sounding distinctly annoyed. He flapped at the door. 

"Evidently not an ordinary bat. An intruder, perhaps?" There was a glint in Alucard's eye that Hakuryuu did not like _at all_. "A _vampire_, perhaps?" 

"Kyuuu..." Hakuryuu shook his head violently. 

"One of the true undead!" Alucard was rubbing his hands gleefully. "For once, a true vampire who is powerful enough to shapeshift... a real fight!" He grinned, showing off impressive canines. "All there've been lately are those half-baked _chipped_ vampires. Those... _freaks. _Hardly better than trash. Worse than humans. But you, my friend..."

Hakuryuu squeaked in alarm as Alucard whipped out the Casull. "Draw your weapons!" 

The dragon reared up in shock, coughing a fireball. It brushed the surface of the bottle that Alucard was still holding, igniting the alcohol on the rim. 

When the flames had died down, Alucard emerged from the smoke, soot encrusted, and grinning like a demon. "Impressive! But insufficient..." and he fired.

Hakuryuu winged around the speeding bullets, zipping from end to end of the room, desperately searching for sanctuary. At one point, having caught on to the 'Uses of bottles', he blinded Alucard with another fire ball.

"I see..." Alucard said, feeling slightly out of it from all the alcohol. "You will not resort to petty human weapons." He smirked. "Then I will fight you on your own level."

The light and magic crew rushed to their stations, and the lights went out, to be replaced by an ominous red glow. Alucard stepped into shadow, and the shadow grew. And grew. And grew.

As Hakuryuu watched in terror, he saw the shadow spread to become a massive pair of wings. They unfurled, solid sheets of darkness. Then they splintered to form several thousand tiny black bats, each sporting a pair of glowing red eyes. Alucard's laughter boomed throughout the room.

"...kyuu..." Hakuryuu stared at the swarm as it came rushing towards him. Frantically, he spat out more fireballs, which singed a bat or two but did little to whittle down the flock. 

"Transform again!" Alucard mocked him. "Show me your true form! Adaptability is a true vampire's watch word, is it not?"

Hakuryuu cast a terrified look at the throng of tiny black bats in hot pursuit, and decided that a change was necessary.

There was a massive flash of white light (courtesy again, of the light and magic crew), and where a dragon had been, there now stood a Jeep. Its headlights flashed in the gloom.

Alucard's collective eyes went wide. "A little ... unconventional..."

"But very impressive," a new voice called from the door. 

Light spilt in from the corridor. Integra Hellsing stood in the doorway, arms folded across her chest. "Indeed... a _far_ more useful transformation than any of yours, Alucard."

Alucard spluttered, and switched back to humanoid form. "_Useful_?"

"Can any of _your_ shapes serve a practical purpose? Hellhounds, bats, deformed and shapeless miscellaneous lumps... A jeep, on the other hand..." 

"Kyuu...." Hakuryuu shifted back to dragon form and flew up to Integra, whimpering and endeavouring to look as cute as possible. "Kyuu?"

Integra nodded. "You're hired." She glanced at Alucard. "You're fired."

***  
TBC  
***


	6. How the Hell did we get into this mess?

A/N : Oh. My. God. I totally forgot to add the dedication to the chapter in the first revision! This fic is dedicated to my Beloved (or Not-so-Beloved, or Once-Beloved-but-Now-I'm-Not-So-Sure, or You-Suck-But-I-Still-Love-You) Teacher, kit-sama. *slobbers*. 

**

A Season in Hell 

**  
Chapter 5 -- How the Hell did we get into this mess? 

Morning crept slowly into the compound. It snuck through Integra Hellsing's room, where the newest addition to Hellsing's staff was making himself comfortable on the bed. It snuck through the study next door, where Integra was updating Walter on the night's events. It wandered through various guest rooms, where Goku was snoring happily amidst piles of empty plates, where Hakkai and Gojyo were sleeping the sleep of the dead-tired, where Sanzo, at the break of dawn, had abandoned his vigilance against Mary Sues and gone comatose. It didn't reach the cellars, where Seras was just returning to bed after a night on duty, and where Alucard was alternately packing his belongings, then flinging them around screaming, then packing them in once more.

Seras looked in. "Is something wrong, Master?"

Alucard shot her glare from red-eyes gone even more bloodshot from too much alcohol. "_Everything's _wrong."

"That sounds terrible."

"_Of course_ it's terrible! What else would it be? Totally wonderful?!" 

"But what's _wrong_, Master?"

Alucard thought up several replies, then decided that the truth was the worst defence. "I'm leaving," he announced. "I refuse to work for slave drivers who underpay and underappreciate their employees."

"Oh." Seras looked nonplussed. "But the Hellsings are the only ones who provide board, lodging and special meals for vampires…"

"I don't need petty humans to handle my affairs for me. I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself."

Seras thought about this for a moment. "Does looking after yourself involve getting blown to pieces on a regular basis?"

Alucard found one stray black rose, and jumped up and down on it several times, screaming incoherently. Seras retreated to the door. "I'll… I'll see you tonight, Master…"

"Stupid humans! Stupid, stupid humans!" Alucard's screams followed her down the corridor.

***

There was a knock on the door. It was a timid, tentative knock, unlike Walter's usual quiet but certain one. Alucard would never bothered to knock. The guests, from Walter's report, were entirely out of it. So that left…

"Enter," Integra called, and nodded when Seras sidled into the room. 

"Good morning," the young vampire said nervously.

"What brings you out so early? Or, in your case, so late."

"There's something wrong with Alucard… he's in a very bad mood."

"Oh? That's none of my business. I don't pry into his private life."

"But he said that he's leaving Hellsing."

"Hah. I fired the big clumsy idiot last night."

Seras' jaw dropped. "You… you _fired_ him? But why? Whatever for? Master's our most powerful soldier, our trump card, our…"

"Kyuu?" Hakuryuu glanced up sleepily as Seras' voice rose in pitch and volume. 

"Meet our new trump card," Integra said gravely. "More powerful than Alucard, more practical than Alucard… and a whole lot cuter."

"But… but…" Seras peered more closely at the dragon. "Oh. He has red eyes."

"He can transform into a jeep," Integra supplied.

"Kyuu…" Hakuryuu wagged his tail at her. "Kyuu?"

"A jeep? But how about a transforming into a human?"

"He doesn't seem to want to assume a human form. Which is fine by me, really. Human-shaped vampires tend to get funny notions into their heads after a while."

Seras' eyebrow twitched. "Funny notions?"

"Oh, they'll hit you sooner or later. If you haven't already picked up bad habits from Alucard."

"Kyuu." Hakuryuu ignored both of them and shut his eyes.

"He _is_ cute… but how do you know how powerful he is?" Seras asked.

"Alucard couldn't kill him. Is that powerful enough for you?"

"Why… that's amazing," Seras said, awed. 

"An incredible feat, yes."

"But what's his name?"

"He will not tell us his real name. But from what we've observed… 'Jeep' will serve as an apt callsign for the moment."

"But what about Alucard?" Seras said, distressed.

"Oh, he can go and hang himself," Integra replied, sounding bored.

"Ohhh? I can go and hang myself?" the subject of their discussion slammed the door open. Or tried to. Having not used a door for millenia, he misjudged and slammed it open while he was halfway through it. The effect was messy.

Integra succeeded in wiping most of the smirk off her face by the time the vampire had picked himself off the floor. Seras was shaking her head.

"You're just in time." Integra shoved several forms at Alucard. "Sign here, here, and here."

"I refuse to be fired by a petty human," Alucard said, drawing himself upright. "I owe you no loyalty and therefore cannot be fired." He squinted at Seras. "Who are you?"

As Seras wailed, Integra burst out in laughter. "Alucard, Alucard, you're drunk. Go and get some sleep and come back when you're sober."

"I am not drunk," Alucard stated coldly. "And it occurs to me that if you release me from your service, I am… free! Free to exercise my powers and take over the world!"

As he spoke, the light and magic crew rushed to their stations. The room went several confused shades of green and blue before they found the proper red filter. Various threats and accusations could be heard flying behind the scenes.

"I will break the seals!" Alucard proclaimed. His pentagram appeared on the ceiling and began spinning. "I will release my true powers!" A harsh wind sprung up, scattering the papers on Integra's desk. "I will show you terror as … as… terror has never been shown before!" Manic laughter could be heard in the background, like the laughter track to the Sitcom from Hell. "I will make you wet your pants! I will—"

"—not be able to do anything," Integra cut in smoothly. "I never touched the seals."

The pentagram expanded and went _pop_. The wind paused, looked confused, and snuck out the window whilst no one was looking. The manic laughter continued for two beats, then trailed off with a 'Huh'?

Alucard looked deflated. "Oh." Then he regained his composure. "Then… that means, Integra Fairgates Windchild Hellsing, that you cannot fire me!" The manic laughter soundtrack started up again.

"If you're going to call me by my full name [1], at least get it right," Integra snorted. "Go to _bed_, Alucard, before you do any more damage to your reputation." 

[1] -- It's Sir Integra Fairchild Wingates Hellsing.

"So you're not firing him?" Seras asked in confusion.

Integra shrugged. "I still might. But for now, he's good for comic relief."

"Comic relief--!"

Alucard's explosion was forestalled by a knock on the door. Integra frowned, very slightly. She did not recognize this knock. "Enter."

Hakkai looked in, listened for a moment to the manic laughter soundtrack (now on indefinite repeat), and smiled hesistantly. "Ah… if this is not a good time…"

"No, no. How can I help you?" Integra had to shout to make herself heard. By now, the light and magic crew were screaming at the sound crew, who couldn't hear anything. 

__

Bwahahahahaha…

"It's just that… as we discussed yesterday… the Hellsing library…" snatches of Hakkai's words came drifting to her in between the pauses in the laughter. 

__

Muahaahhahahahhaaa…

"_Can you turn that bloody thing off?_" Integra yelled in the general direction of up.

__

Huh? Did you just say something?

  
…hahahaha… 

"Kyuu!"

"Ah, there you are!" Hakkai said, as Hakuryuu bolted towards him and buried himself in his arms. "Where _did_ you go? We were all so worried…" 

"Kyuu!!!" Hakuryuu squeaked, which translated from dragon-speak meant : _No, you weren't worried, not in the least. You were too busy with Gojyo, weren't you? Didn't even notice I wasn't around…_

"Oh, he's yours?" Integra asked.

"I beg your pardon?"

"He's _yours?_"

"No, he doesn't whore…"

"I asked whether he's _yours_?!"

"No, he's not an oar. He's a jeep…"

"Alucard!" Integra screamed. "If you don't want to be fired, go make yourself useful and shut those idiots up!"

"I don't work for you any more," Alucard said.

"Do it, you, or I'll kick your butt! And no more A+ medical blood! You can go and drink pig's blood!"

"Fine, fine, threaten my food supply, will you…" Alucard winged up towards the ceiling in a huff, misjudged, and hit his head with a resounding crack.

__

Wahhaahhahahaha…

"Ah, _damnit!_" Alucard swore, and shot through the ceiling in a killing rage.

They counted all of five seconds before there were blood-curdling screams, and the noise stopped.

All present heaved a big sigh of relief. 

"Well… yes, meet Hakuryuu, our principle form of transportation. Hakuryuu, say hi…"

"BAP." Hakuryuu shot a mini-fireball at Hakkai, and buried his head in his shirt again.

"I'm afraid he's not being very social today."

"I can see that." Integra looked vaguely disappointed. "He is a vampire, isn't he?"

"Him? Good heavens, no. He's a dragon."

"A dragon? But he has red eyes and he can shape shift…"

"Dragons tend to have powerful magical capabilities. I've never seen him transform into anything quite like Alucard, nor has he shown a liking for blood…"

"But… you said that he defeated Alucard!" Seras said.

"No, I said that Alucard could not defeat him." Integra peered closely at the dragon, who refused to look at her. "A regretable misunderstanding…"

"A misunderstanding, you say?"

"We mistook him for a vampire. I almost saw a replacement for Alucard in him. But then again, vampire or not, he might still serve as a replacement—"

"But returning to the original topic," Hakkai said quickly. "Regarding the use of facilities…"

"Ah." Integra leaned back. "But I did base it on the provision that this was applicable only to staff of the Hellsing Institute."

"We did offer our assistance," Hakkai pointed out.

"Hellsing traditionally initiates its members only after they have scored their first kill under our name."

"You mean this sweet young thing has killed people too?" Gojyo said loudly.

"Who?" Seras asked.

"_You_, miss."

"_Gojyo_," Hakkai said menacingly.

"Yes. To date, the sergeant has almost a hundred kills to her credit. Mostly ghouls, of course, but there were a few freak vampires on the side," Integra noted.

"There were more than just 'a few'," Seras protested.

"Wow. I like a girl with guts," Gojyo said.

"_Gojyo._"

"Well, I'd love to hang around, but mister so-not-a-monk just woke up in a very foul mood. I think you should go and talk to him," Gojyo told Hakkai.

"What's it about?"

"Seems like he has a very bad case of the 'Go West' syndrome."

"Oh no."

***

"_Goddamnit, Hakkai, where the fuck are we?_"

"I think you should stay out of this," Gojyo told Seras. "It could get nasty."

"I am a soldier, sir, I am used to—"

"You're not used to _this_. Trust me." Gojyo gently shouldered her aside and snuck into the room to back Hakkai up.

A pillow slammed into his face. "I didn't ask for a bloody audience!"

"Well… I'll just be making a move—"

"—no," Hakkai hissed into his ear. "You are staying here where I can see you."

"But… but…"

"_Shut the fuck up!_" Sanzo yelled. "Now look. We've been stuck here for two days, I've been attacked by Fangurls for the past two nights, and you still haven't figured out a way to get us back?" [2]

[2] – Rabid fangurls are _everywhere_.

"I wasn't aware that I was in charge of the getting-the-Sanzo-tachi-back-to-civilization-team," Hakkai said placidly. 

"So where are we? We should be heading West! What's with the bleeping delay?"

"Sanzo, England _is_ West. It's terribly, terribly far West. In fact, we might have to go East."

"_East?!_"

"Try saying it, Sanzo. 'Go East'."

"_EAST?_"

"He's too accustomed to going West, Hakkai. He couldn't go West if he tried," Gojyo whispered.

"I know. We'll just have to break the news to him gently…"

"_EAST…?!!!_"

"Yes. East. Towards the rising sun, in the face of the dawn, where the Western Wind comes a-blowing from…"

Seras chose that moment to look in. "Is everything all—"

Two bullets whizzed across the room and embedded themselves in the door micrometers to either side of her head.

"Like I said, no place for a lady," Gojyo hustled her out again, somehow managing to get himself trapped outside the room as the door closed.

"Is he insane?" Seras asked.

"No, he's not a morning person. See, we've been on this road trip West for the Gods-Know-How-Long-and-Don't-Know-How-Much-Longer… and suddenly, _poof_, we're way off our route in a distant land, and we have no idea how to get back, or how to get to our destination."

"Why didn't you say so?" Seras said. "There's lots of stuff on that in the library. It usually has to do with vampires teleporting off their route and ending up in strange places, and then there was that time where vampires from another dimension entered London… it's not quite the same as your case, but I'm sure you'll be able to find some clues."

"But did it say how those vampires got back in the end?"

Seras frowned. "Actually, the first and the last thing they saw when they got here was Alucard's grinning face."

"Ah. I thought so," Gojyo said gloomily.

The door slammed open, ironing Gojyo against the wall in the process. 

"Did you say there was information in the library?" Sanzo demanded.

"…bloody monk…!" Gojyo's voice was a squeak from behind the door. Sanzo ignored it. 

"Why yes," Seras backed up a step. 

"But there's a slight problem, Sanzo. Sir Integra won't let us use the library until we've killed a vampire or two."

"Fine. Let's go kill a vampire. Where do we find a damn vampire that's not Hellsing's pet?"

"You won't find vampires in broad daylight," Seras said archly. "Besides, there haven't been vampires in the region for a long time. Not since you offed that stray one."

"Oh goddamnit!"

"Maybe you should discuss this with Sir Integra…" Hakkai suggested.

Sanzo released the door and thought about it for a moment. Gojyo tried to inch his way out.

"Fine. I'll do that," Sanzo declared, smashing the door back into Gojyo as he went stalking off towards Integra's office. 

"…" Gojyo passed out silently as Hakkai and Seras rushed to his side. "…bloody monk…"

***

__

And the scene is staged for the long awaited confrontation between our mutual short-fused, gun-toting blonds…

***

To be continued.


End file.
